Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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