I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
