so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
