We won't sleep together?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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