For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
