I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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