I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
