i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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