I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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