The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
