Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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