STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
