im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
