ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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