she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
