I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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