Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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