new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
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Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
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Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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