Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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