I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
