My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
