This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
