I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
