she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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