I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
