Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
