Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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