Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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