i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
