Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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