Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
