I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
