I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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