Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
