that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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