I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
