I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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