im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
