Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
