life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
She said her name was "party"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
