if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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