I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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