I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Vodka?
Forever.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
