So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
