it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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