someone threw a dead crab at me
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
