I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
not ubering you a puppy
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
