I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
