I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
