Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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