Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just cropdusted the office
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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