wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
