absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
